Motherhood -- impending doom?

As I sit and wait for my little one to arrive, I can't lie and say there haven't been days where thoughts of impending doom haven't hit me like a freight train. Of course, there are days where I gush over videos of newborn babies as I smile to myself and wonder what my child will be like. But then there are those days when I go into "panic mode" and think to myself, "OMG. I won't be able to give her back to her parents because I'LL BE her parent!" Of course, there is the option of handing her over to her father when I am exhausted from holding onto her, but a child's first encounter with love, with affection, and with the world, in general, will come from a mother's care. 

Before I got pregnant, it was important to constantly ask myself why I would eventually want to build a family with my husband. The number one thought that kept occurring was the one where my need to extend all the love I had ever given to people who had perhaps never deserved it or appreciated it, was at the forefront. I wanted to give birth to an individual who would be an extension of myself, not necessarily a mirror of myself, but someone who would grow into an individual of their own having received all the love I could possibly give them, and more. 

Over and over I would tell myself that I wanted to become a mother who would give my undivided attention and affection to a living, breathing human being who I had brought forth after almost 10 months of struggling through a pregnancy. 

While thoughts of changing soiled diapers and having a little baby's mouth attached to my boobs for the better parts of entire days at a time aren't exactly intriguing, I know I will learn to navigate through it. In the same way that I learned to become independent and care for myself; to be fearless and live in a place where I knew literally no one, to begin with. 

I hear it all the time from mothers who have gone through childbearing and childbirth, that it will all be worth it in the end, and I do believe that's true. My main concern has never been how my child will be with me, or towards me, but rather how I will be as my child's mother. 

Parents make mistakes, of course, but I don't want my child to be what many refer to as "the experiment". I want to teach myself to know and love her before she is even here, to have a child-like heart in order to meet her emotional needs better, in order to be understanding of her innocent and childish nature. 

Not many adults can say they remember what it was like to be a toddler, or what it was like to have angry faces turn towards their mothers as they screamed away on a bus full of passengers, or as they lay kicking and screaming on an aisle floor in a shop somewhere because they had been denied something they wanted. But even if we don't remember, children won't remain children forever, and it is my wish that I bear this in mind as I raise my child to become the beautiful, intelligent, loving, kind, funny, and understanding human being I believe she is already destined to become. 

One day I'm sure to look back at the beginning stages of parenthood and marvel at the fact that I actually got through it and that it was all worth it. 












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