What I Wish I had Learned Before 30

The other day I sat listening to one of my girlfriends' podcast episodes, and I found myself nodding and laughing along to a lot of the statements made. Approaching 30, I certainly wish someone would have warned me about the many dilemmas I'd face. 

Image by Jessica Felicio
For one, there was the pressure about settling down —  a pressure that is felt much earlier with women than men if we're being honest  that became louder the closer to 30 I was getting. My mom's prayers almost immediately transitioned into ones about getting married and starting families (I came from a very strict Christian background) as soon as I passed the age of 26. The same was echoed in her speeches, and when I experienced cold feet, I got a lecture about my biological clock. 

Once I settled down, came the pressure of getting pregnant. Still, the words about my biological clock would be repeated to me by any family member who had the opportunity to tell me about it. Children were of course a desire, but I believed in really being intentional about having a child/children before throwing myself into motherhood. Because let's face it, once you're a parent, you're not only bound to your partner for life through living DNA and proof of your intimacy, you're also responsible for life. 

At 27, life had only just begun for me, as I had finally broken free from the confinements of many of the expectations weighing me down by moving countries. Or so I thought, anyway. 

Constantly feeling hot and bothered

Moving to Malta did a lot of things. My morals and values were challenged in ways I'd never imagined they could be, and so was my relationship.  All of a sudden, I found myself being really tested for the first time in my life. 

I had lived in England as a student and then as a working lady for close to seven years, but never had I had any interest in life the way I suddenly did at the age of 27. 

Never had life felt sweeter, more daring, more interesting. It literally felt like I had been given a new set of eyes after being blind half my life. I let my guard down, met people from different walks of life and with different views and opinions to mine, and, not so surprisingly, we were able to coexist. 

I'm still unaware of what made life so different in Malta. Perhaps it was the fact that I had no family only a few towns away, or that I knew literally no one.  Or maybe my desire for living was suddenly growing because of the fact that I was getting older. 

I wish someone would have told me about the heightened heat (code for suggestive language here) I would feel at the threshold of 30.  It would probably have been much easier to bear and not tell myself I was going crazy. 

On the other hand, it wasn't helping that I lived in a tropical country. Trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I felt, I stumbled upon many articles about how hot countries normally had major effects on people's.... mhmm...urges ... But that did nothing to comfort me.

This may not just be an issue within the African community (don't get me wrong, I don't believe this is even an issue with a lot of Africans — just those with extremely traditionalist mindsets, I guess), but I find that the older Africans often see their non-disclosure about certain topics to be in your best interest. But it's not! Hence the issue with being asked about a husband or wife when you just want to live your life after spending your teenage years being banned from bringing home a girlfriend or boyfriend, let alone bringing up the topic. 

Nobody has it 100 % together

Anyway, fast forward to the future, and being 32, I find myself thinking back to the many pitfalls I could have sidestepped had I been better informed, better equipped, and better educated about them. 

I wish someone had taught me that rushing like life was moving away from me wouldn't benefit me, and to take my time instead. 

One very big lesson I've learned is that trying to rein someone in, trying to control them, trying to restrain them, only makes them go in the exact direction you don't want them to go in. 

Craving security, I decided to get married. However, let no one fool you by making you think that settling down is going to make a free-spirited person suddenly feel rested. There will always be those days when you feel you might be missing out on life outside of the confines of your home. Nevertheless, my desire for security is just more powerful than my desire to be free and wander the world or whatever it is free-spirited people do. 

Most importantly, I find my daughter being the number one reason I am able to get up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror, and keep going, regardless of how many times life tries to remind me about my past and present shortcomings.

I'm still navigating thirty, and if I've learned anything at all by doing so it's that it's completely okay to not have all the answers.  It's completely okay to not have all your shit together even at this point. But keep trying, that's the most crucial thing. 




Comments

  1. Lovely post Chika and thanks for mentioning the podcast!

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  2. Thanks so much Shan Shan, and you are very welcome. ❤️

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